Stick Your ‘Peace’ Where The Sun Don’t Shine


Let’s cut to the chase.

Every human runs on various degrees of depressive states, all of which are well represented in language: depression, melancholy, sadness, despondency, desolation, misery… and there seems to be no end in sight. It is not the well-recorded clinical depression of medical manuals when one sees no reason to get out of bed each day, no. It is a state much deeper to the essence of us as species.

I thought… perhaps the challenges of survival are to blame? I tried to imagine what would happen if existential challenges were completely removed from every human’s path and saw the same: a vague state of depression, forever.

Immortality, good looks and great physical health, no competition for material resources – do NOT remove this. Why do I say that? It feels very certain, but why? So I go back to the time of being a toddler when everything was still perceived as beauty, a wonderous amazing happening.. and see that we ALL get damaged from that point on, and the damage is absolutely irreversible. Once the ability to think about things objectively is acquired – it is a downward spiral. When at the age of two I saw those spectacular fields of giant daisies somewhere in the Caucuses – it was pure and simple gladness felt literally in physical terms. I DIDN’T KNOW what the world was. I DIDN’T KNOW what was to come. I was a puppy: happy, innocent, UNAWARE.

Trinco, Baby Boy

True Awareness comes with life experience, and human experience is simply not happy. I am not talking about AN experience as in ‘an event in one’s life’; some of those are happy in the moment, some are unhappy. I am talking about the state of having experienced many events, a cumulative result of having lived a life. Looking back… most were miserable or neutral, and the moments of  true happiness – fleeting and rare. The direct perception of the giant daisy field was replaced by the thinking capacity about the giant daisy field, the thinking capacity always evaluates based on facts, and the fact is… human life is fraught with unhappy events.

Why so? The chain of perpetual human abuse and the subsequent actions of payback time (think of all those school assassins as an example) cannot adequately explain the pervasive nature of human misery. ‘Oh, he was abused as a child and so..’. I met people who had genuinely easy lives, without any major drama, and who still harbour the same  internal discontent, aka depressive internal states. WHY?? I am on to something here, but seeing it clearly escapes me right now. Is it that the capacity for unhappiness is simply inbuilt into the human psyche in the same way the look of cellulitis on a woman’s thighs is just a natural result of how fat granulates under the skin, and nothing can be done about it?

OK. Let’s consider the biggest fear of most humans – the fear of death. Consider that Death has been conquered (which will happen at some point in the future). No more dying. All live forever, for as long as they so desire. Would that be enough? And I see clearly that the answer is ‘No’. Lack of material struggle has to be part of it, or else what is the point: living forever in struggle?

OK then.. remove the survival struggle too.. what’s left? And when I visualise this extended forever mode of existence, surprisingly it fills me with boredom. Fucking BOREDOM!.

Why? How can it be so?  Wouldn’t it be fantastic to try everything there is to try, to learn everything there is to learn, to experience absolutely all available to us as humans? Learn the skills one previously had no time to learn, play both a CEO of a multinational and a beggar in the street, try every kind of food, travel every destination on Earth and beyond, create every kind of art and machinery, fall in love with every kind of human, read every book and make every kind of object with your own hands…. Why doesn’t any of this feel enticing?

Natural? A state of discontent is NATURAL?? Wow.  If so – the consequences are pretty devastating. I would love to say it is just my individual make up, the way I was created, the one and only freak in this world. But I look around and see the same in the overwhelming majority of humans, those in a coma state aside. Must be natural then, no? This natural state that made UG Krishnamurti an irritable ranting lunatic, together with Ramana’s  grumpy insults at his ashram workers and refusal to communicate, together with Jed McKenna’s experiential depression and overall disagreement with all and sundry, together with Nisargadatta’s raging impatience towards nonsense coming from humans?

And here we are.. I come back to the simplest form. The human Mind is never satisfied, CANNOT be satisfied. For all its seeing, for all its awareness, no matter how penetrating – it kills its bearer, but the bearer can never leave it behind. It is part of the deal of being human: the curse of being self aware, and of being aware at large. Anyone who writes, speaks otherwise, who tries to persuade you of living in everlasting peace – does not tell you about their intimate moments of being one to one with own Mind, and I have reasons to believe that if they were totally honest with themselves and with you – they would say exactly the same.

While I can concentrate on only what is unfolding in my immediate surroundings, happily deal with life’s events without freaking out – I am UNABLE to say ‘good bye’ to being human, with all of the human condition pitfalls. Unable. This is a fact of reality. I am unable to be a dog, unable to become a vegetable, unable to stop being aware of own existence and the world.

And? Or? So you are writing about your joyful existence, and the promise of eternal happiness collects you admirers? You are simply bullshitting, whoever you are. I once said to Kenneth something on the lines of ‘We are all inventing things to do, places to visit, events to attend, books to write, the reasons to keep going, constantly on the run to stave off the inherent internal emptiness’. That McKenna’s ‘afloat in a boundless sea’. People keep themselves busy, because if they stop – they will come face to face with own Awareness.

No human being lives in ‘peace that passeth all understanding’, no matter how much aware they are. Being highly aware gives easy tools of dealing with life’s events, yes. It frees one from reactivity and emotionalism, yes. It reduces the number of triggers, often to the very basics of simple physiological functions, yes. But in no way does it free you from being Awareness Nature Freak. Both ignorant and self realised hail from the same human stock. They may experience things differently and be triggered by entirely different things, but NEITHER are free.

Awareness ITSELF as a chance development in human species is the man’s biggest inescapable enemy.

Snooky Rain

I am also aware that if a hundred thousand read what I have written above – there may be only one or two who will comprehend the REAL terms of the deal, because they went there themselves and know the score. One or two, that’s all. The rest will go into a defensive mode, a selling mode, a ‘let’s compare the dicks’ mode, an ‘ad hominem’ mode and all other strategies humans deploy in order not to see the obvious. ‘It’s YOUR story. MY story is different’ they would say. Whatever.. Are you in a state of continuous abiding contentment? REALLY?

The saying ‘Ignorance is bliss’ exists for a reason, and it is not the ignorance of not knowing the facts of life.. oh no. I am talking about the pure, unadulterated ignorance of a dog which we as humans will never obtain. And even the ignorance of a dog is not as ignorant as we humans would like to think.

Sounds depressing? That’s because it is. Am I content in this? Yes. Weird, isn’t it, this constant dance with Futility: one moves closer to the edge of existence, looks over and then slowly and carefully backs away. I had one in two hundred million chance of being born and want the opportunity no matter what.

No. Matter. What.

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16 thoughts on “Stick Your ‘Peace’ Where The Sun Don’t Shine

  1. For years (10? 15?) , I had that question in my head “Why do I exist ? Why I am living ? What’s the point ?”.

    Then for years (7? 8?) there was a sentence I repeated over and over in my head : “There is nothing to be gained from being alive, nothing to win, BUT there is nothing to loose, so, live Cédric, live, however difficult it is”.

    That’s why I will never commit suicide, simply because there is nothing to loose to live.

    But of course there is nothing to gain. We are just life, we will never be something more than life. We are life. Period. I search nothing.

    1. There is nothing to lose, correct.

      It wasn’t about suicide, although I can see why it can be perceived as such in parts. I never seriously considered suicide because I don’t like to burn bridges; it’s a stance intrinsic to my state of being.

      I like to keep my options open, if at all possible.

      I wrote about an understanding of the human condition in absolute, bottom line terms. Awareness as the attribute of the human mind is what makes humans miserable.

      When people mindlessly repeat the mantra ‘I am Awareness’, they fail to consider that this gift to Humanity is Nature’s Trojan Horse. It took us to the levels of development unprecedented among other species, but we are paying the price.

  2. When a teacher states that “there’s no enlightenment” or “I gained nothing from enlightenment” he/she doesn’t speak from a disappointed ego, Tano.

    Every journey starts from ego. We want peace, we want love, we want the suffering to end. But sooner or later every ego will have to come to a realisation, that “there is nothing FOR ME here, because I AM the problem, I AM the troublemaker”.

    This is the real joke here. The good part comes, when the one that hopes for the good part – dies.
    A path to enlightenement is a path of failure. Chasing one’s own tail is a better idea than calling off the search a little too soon and replacing a hopeful ego with a disappointed or feigning acceptance ego.

    1. “he/she doesn’t speak from a disappointed ego, Tano.”

      Is there somewhere I stated anything about a disappointed ego? Point me to the passage.

      My ‘journey’ didn’t start from wanting peace, love or the suffering to end. I wanted to know what is real, true, and what is fake.

      Hope (a feeling of expectation and desire for a particular thing to happen, as its definition) is overrated.

      You are correct that it is a path of failure.

  3. Could we simply be conditioned by millennia of survival level struggle, and now that many of us don’t have that any more, we still remain wired for struggle and we cant just step away from that deep seated long term practically genetically programmed level of battling?

    1. Yes, but the survival struggle is still present. It simply transformed from the immediate physical survival in the jungle in the same way animals have – to navigating one’s way in a human society. The struggle now takes place on a level of mental agility. It makes people think and drives them round the bend.

      In other words… survival has changed in form and mode, but not in the meaning: life wants to stay alive.

  4. Yes that’s what I mean, even though we don’t actually need to struggle now we are programmed to struggle, a hangover from many many centuries of physically having to struggle for basic needs and to defend ourselves in a previously more dangerous world. To the point where it practically feels dangerous not to, though the danger isn’t real. What to do, what to do?!

    1. Susan, I agree with your analysis of how the biological urge to survive has become perpetuated in our thought systems. What to do? Well, all the wise ones say the thing to do is to be willing to experience that fear to the full.

  5. Yes, so what tools do we use to turn towards the fear and addiction to struggle? Self compassion, Mindfulness…..any others?

    1. The only tool is the ability to feel — and the willingness to use it. Be willing to be honest about what you feel. Be willing to dig. And then be willing to feel.

    2. The only tool is the ability to feel — and the willingness to use it. Be willing to know what you feel. Be willing to dig. Then be willing to feel.

  6. Yes, I have had my endless boredoms, and many will follow. As I said to my fresh students a month ago: ‘provide a space for new knowledge and skills, because the bucks won’t remove the feeling of “I’ve seen it all”, you get tired of everything.’

    1. Yes. I once referred to this as “I’ve seen every beach in the world”. Brahman (the inherent Emptiness of being) gets bored out of his mind and starts creating some movement and drama, so as to combat the inherent emptiness.

      When young – the emptiness is less noticeable, with all the shiny things to attend to: places to see, jobs to create, awards to win, bodies to kiss etc., occluded by the drama and excitement for the next thing on the horizon.

      Drama (an exciting, emotional, or unexpected event or circumstance, as per definition) is what makes the world go round.

      Jed had been twiddling his thumbs and binding his time in cyberspace before he created the books. He had an old head on young shoulders. For the majority of people it is the other way around: young immature minds in aging bodies.

      It is better to be bored in comfort, hence, the bucks.

      P.S. Beautiful photos, btw

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