Don’t Look For Truth

“In my arrogance, I thought that I could conquer death with logic. But now I know that I only used logic to suppress my fear of death.”

Herbert Fingarette

I am half the age Herbert was when he said this, but I have the mind of a 97 year old. It is an archetype too.. the Old Man, the end of the cycle => decay and eventual demise. I honestly didn’t have to work at it: this was a given, something inherited through my DNA in the same way other people are given physical beauty: they didn’t earn it, and I didn’t earn a connection to Eternity.

But I did have to attempt to see the rest: the ways of the world, the ways of human beings, the ways of animals, the ways of physical laws, countless connections and causes and effects, beginnings and endings, and where it is all heading. That took effort:  the intensity of emotional disembowelment made sure I would never again fail to see things as they are, instead of as what I wanted to see.

That – was not a given.

Death is a good teacher, but even Death is not enough to establish the clear ground rules in your mind, and why would anyone want to? While I wouldn’t change anything in the way it happened, I would say this with absolute conviction: “DO NOT LOOK FOR IT”.

If you hear the words of those who praise the Absolute – know that they are lying, often because they are of the illusion to have reached the very end. In seven or so years that passed, much has become clearer, all of it deepened and developed and never stood still, and yet… the understanding of this cold bare empty space hasn’t changed one iota; it looks just as inhospitable now as it appeared then.

Whoever tells you about the beauty and the happiness and love – is talking from the relative side, and those relative states exist, that is true. This is where one should stay. Jed is absolutely right in saying that the real life, the real attraction, the real engagement – lies in the world, not out of it. OK, he calls it ‘Dreamstate’, but I dislike the word intensely for its misleading nature, so I prefer to call it the conventional and less misleading term – the world. The world is full of colour. One cannot separate one’s Mind and its many interpretations of Reality – from Reality itself, with its many physical forms and its billions of little consciousnesses weaving the threads together.

Getting out of the world all together will mean a steady, but empty existence.

EMPTY.

Can you please let the word reverberate inside of you? Is this what you really  want?

I can confirm that simply being a human adult, with clear thinking and the minimum of emotional outbursts – is enough to go through life. Inner contentment is what you want, preferably with as little physical hardship as possible, with some human relationships that will cause you to balk at times, but will also provide comfort and a sense of belonging, not withstanding the fact that it is easier to survive as a group or a pair compared to a single individual. Even monks live in communities.

You DON’T NEED to understand death and the Absolute on an intimate level in order to be an adult. If you do reach this complete and irrevocable understanding – your life will be over. NOT ‘the end of your world as you know it’, haha, Adyashanti (Steven Gray) phrase.. that phrase makes it sound as if something else will replace your world, something beautiful, endlessly enchanting, something miraculous where nothing shakes you and all is peace and joy. Well, bullocks. The truth is – your life will end. Not ‘as you know it’, but you will have no life left, period. If Steven says differently.. well, he has a big business of enlightenment to run, and selling the Void is not a good business plan.

Accept that death will happen, or reject the idea – it makes no difference. You can even allow yourself a little fantasy about reincarnation or some other form of ‘you’ continuing to live indefinitely forever. You can believe in all this wholeheartedly, or simply sit on the fence of ‘I don’t know’. You can rationalise the existence of the soul and hope it carries on no matter what. It will not be true, but it will allow you to function in this world in a relatively happy state.

Truth will not give you that. Knowing Death in its full warrior attire means dropping any and all pretense: of own importance, of human relationships, of ‘together forever’, of ‘I will live on through my children’, of career aspirations, of intentional charitable deeds, of material acquisitions, of formal education, of wealth accumulation, of feeling emotional about it all…

.. of everything that makes up human life. Remove all of the above – and what are you left with? What can Truth offer you that is more enticing than the world laid out before you? You’d be left to float in the Void of understanding for the rest of your physical life.

MountTarawera You will lose it ALL, all, all, and will never gain the interest again.

“The price of truth is everything”, said Jed McKenna. True, that is one angle of vision.

Those calling for so called ‘collective awakening of consciousness’ are living in a dream of wishful thinking. It is not possible to start with, and even if the entire world population suddenly lost the illusion goggles.. nothing would change. NOTHING WHATSOEVER would change in the world. Because it can’t. The world is governed by unbreakable natural laws. Humans have the (limited) ability to influence the outcomes, but alas, humans too are governed by the same natural laws. There will always be a certain percentage of serial killers in the world, a certain percentage of paedophiles, a certain percentage of serious academics and NASA scientists, and a certain percentage of spiritual writers. I would even wager the percentages hardly change across centuries and geographic populations.

You will leave the prison only to find yourself in a desert.

Making the best of your prison is the only sensible solution; you just have to decide what ‘the best’ means for you specifically. If murder is your best – you will go and do that, and the best for the sheriff would be to catch you and hang your ass. If writing about ‘enlightenment’ is best for Jed McKenna – he’s do that governed by his DNA, and me governed by my DNA – will set about disassembling his carefully crafted anonymous image.

This continuous dance of ‘to and fro’ has been in existence over generations. All has been and occurred, but nothing has ever happened.

Create your bubble, choose any colour you like; it may just be the only sane thing you can have in this existence. The fact that the bubble is not forever – makes no difference providing it lasts a lifetime.

I know all this sounds like a ludicrous contra-advice, but it is the only practical advice I can give from the other side. Occasionally I wish to have forgotten the past seven years and gone back: to go mad at things, to cry hot tears, to laugh till my sides hurt, to believe in all sorts of daft things, to court other humans and get absorbed by their stories, to…. well, it’s not gonna happen. Once seen – cannot be unseen, always abidingly present.

As I said aeons back.. Truth is a beautiful bastard, it’s an ugly fucker.

So.. whatchya gonna do: look for absolute truth (cold, ugly and life destroying) or look for relative comfort (warm, promising and making you feel alive)?

If you are dragged into the former – you will walk alone until the day you die. And the one thing you need to do right now is to unsubscribe from this site, stop visiting, stop reading anything even vaguely spiritual here or elsewhere, throw out the idea of being ‘enlightened’ and concentrate on your immediate life in all its forms. This life and this world is all you will ever have.

The rest is the cold bare empty Void.

Lyrics at 1:20. They are very true.

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28 thoughts on “Don’t Look For Truth

  1. How can I knowingly leave a stone left unturned, to walk away from it and go on with my life. It stays in the back of my mind nagging me, knowing that in a way I am just kidding myself but not going all the way.

    Wether this drive is big enough to where I’ll actually do it, I don’t know. I am amazed at how most people stay on a particular level, and never move another inch in their life.

    Still, it sounds so shit.. I don’t want what you are describing, but on the other hand nothing brings any form of lasting fulfillment.

    1. “In short.. you are fucked either way now.”

      Okay, so I’m fucked because of this bug which just keeps well, bugging me, and which takes out a big part out of the enjoyment of my life.
      Or I’m fucked because once the hammer drops, to lend your words, my life would be over.

      But should I blame the East for putting the bug in my head, or for making me aware of it? I’m thinking the latter, because I feel like the bug is there from the start.

      To me the bug means ‘death’, and when you’re born then of course you are also going to die. Which is why I said that I think it’s there from the start.

      Also something else I thought of..
      I had at first linked your seemingly vast and solid understanding of the world to the fact that the hammer dropped, like it dropping is contingent on having a clear understanding of the world. But now, probably because of your last few posts, and from reading about what U.G. went through (which was pretty fucking crazy) I’m pretty sure those are two seperate things.

      1. “I feel like the bug is there from the start”

        I am not talking about the ‘bug’ of knowing death. This is not the bug, and death not understood by many. You mean the inner voice of dissatisfaction that most humans experience permanently (the inner bastard as Jed refers to it).

        Well, a dog does not know it will die (or at least it is highly unlikely it does know). Hence, no voice – no worries.

        For humans, however.. it will always be present. Knowing that you will be no more one day – will always trouble people.

        I referred to the bug of your desire for enlightenment. Books and teachers fuel that, and have been for 2.5 thousand years. I doubt the cave people were bothered much by anything outside of immediate survival. That is until they began to draw on cave walls.

      2. “I had at first linked your seemingly vast and solid understanding of the world to the fact that the hammer dropped, like it dropping is contingent on having a clear understanding of the world. But now, probably because of your last few posts, and from reading about what U.G. went through (which was pretty fucking crazy) I’m pretty sure those are two seperate things.”

        You mean to say that understanding of the world and the Big Bang hammer are not connected.

        I understood much prior to the hammer simply because I was researching much in order to find answers. In that research more information was coming into my awareness. I was shocked to discover how little we as individuals in general know about the world. That goes for both lay people and those who are in the business of finding out facts: scientists. journalists, politicians and so on.

        The lay people are concerned with mostly the task of survival and daily life events. And those who by occupation are the purveyors of information – specialise in certain chunks of it and so have no overall picture. As an example, I once heard an interview with a guy who was the uttermost single authority of the world on… finches (finches are a type of birds).

        There. I was looking, and reading, and thinking, and attempting to see how all that various info fitted together, where the connections were. And then one evening.. BANG!!! it got connected. My mind opened.

        I can only surmise it could not have happened without my prior frantic search. I made my mind work like hell, like it had never worked before. It was exhausting and depressing, to say the least, simply because in many cases I was facing the brick wall. I mean… when one looks at the Kundalini or The Third Eye, or afterlife seances – it is a brick wall of skewed human perceptions and beliefs. But they are SO PREVALENT that the mind has to fight its way out of the maze of improbable scenarios, has to reject them rationally after a good look at every phenomenon. Some of it (no, much of it) happens on the level of a very deep insight or revelation.

        In short… they were connected, this Big Bang and the understanding.

        1. When you talk about the mind opening it reminds of when I do not understand a complex piece of information and keep trying to look at it from different perspectives, in chunks, and so on, until suddenly out of the blue BAM I completely get it. Like I don’t know what I did, but it worked. And keep investigating it somehow made my mind work to connect things. Like the braincells create the right path.

          It’s interesting you always looked for connections between things, it must have been difficult. I recall trying to learn chess. At first I understood it in no way but after a while I suddenly came up with strategies and moves I never thought I could come up with. Sadly I stopped soon after.

          I think my brain got really lazy. I’ve basically isolated myself wasting time indoors the past months. I want to learn programming because I never learned a subject that is basic on pure logic.

    2. “I don’t want what you are describing, but on the other hand nothing brings any form of lasting fulfillment.”

      Truth will not bring lasting fulfillment either. Plus, it will rob you of your life.

      And while you are looking for ‘it’… your life is passing you by.

  2. How can I knowingly leave a stone left unturned, to walk away from it and go on with my life. It stays in the back of my mind nagging me”

    The spiritual bug… For this you can blame the East and especially Mr. Gautama. And then countless copycats of both East and West, including our very own Jed. Two and a half thousand years and counting. Amazing.

    Note that Western thinkers were more rational (let’s say in ancient Greece), and there is no Western tradition of enlightenment other than what was slowly imported from the East over centuries.

    Then bang!! the trade routes to India by the British Empire…. French Indochina… the colonies infected the West from within.

    For you personally.. the disease has taken root. It is the curiosity akin to investigating caves: one knows it’s dangerous and potentially deadly, and there is nothing of value in the cave, and yet they come in droves. People like Steven Gray or Tolle usher in the newly infected.

    In short.. you are fucked either way now.

    1. All these ‘enlightened’ people go on saying it’s potentially deadly but all of ’em are still well and alive. What is deadly about finding the truth about everything?

      Also, why do you ‘walk alone’ from that point on? You surely still have friends and care about others and they about you?

      We all die alone, but we ALL die. We all go through the same experience of being born, living, experiencing, and dying.

  3. People who are not in the midst of existential angst are not worrying about the Truth or the enlightenment or any sort of spirituality and the folks who read your blog are usually the existential angst (and the spiritual ego) kind.
    Those who are on the ‘path’ (to nowhere) can’t turn around and say “fuck this shit”, it’s gonna take them X years to fully see behind the curtain and for them this post is an useless detour between the personal hell and the absolute (“cold, ugly and life destroying”; really? to whom?).

    The less time you use going in circles, the less time you suffer needlessly from the limited egoic point of view.

    We share the experience of Truth, the Absolute but we may have some disagreements about our mental ‘understandings’ around it. For example to my experience, ego is nothing more than an ad hoc thought construction, fully abstract as in; existing (only) in thought or as an idea but not having a physical or concrete existence; like a magicians trick, it is there when you think about it and dissolves when you don’t, that is the extend of our imaginary ego, there is too much fluidity to call it even an ego, more like endless reactive mini egos popping to existence from the emptiness that is.
    That way of perceiving is not in anyway clashing with our understanding of the human brain and its neurology.

    Every attachment is only there to verify the ego – illusion. If you are not the ego, what is there to die for example? But again, if this is not your way of seeing or feeling things, that’s fine, I was just wondering out of curiosity where you stand about this, that is why this message was typed (probably).

    1. “to my experience, ego is nothing more than an ad hoc thought construction, fully abstract as in; existing (only) in thought”

      True. The ego is a thought. But YOU – are not a thought. A sense (SENSE) of selfhood and the existence of your self (I am) is not an idea. It is visceral and real – to you.

      If it is not real to you – you are dead. But since you are typing here, it is safe to presume you are alive 🙂

      “Every attachment is only there to verify the ego”

      That is not true, S. To illustrate.. if one is not mentally damaged, then as a healthy organism you have an attachment to staying alive. This is one’s primary ego – a sense of being ALIVE, and therefore everything one does – is directed that way – to maintain the life.

      When people speak about attachments to ego – they usually mean human pride which requires a million of acknowledgements (money, best looking partners, praise, attention, prizes and awards, social status so on so forth). They usually mean to say they are unique and highly prized individuals.

      They feel as highly prized individuals even if their sense of self worth is shaky and confidence levels low. This is no paradox. We are both nothing (to the world) and everything (to us).

      “If you are not the ego, what is there to die for example? ”

      Nothing there to die for. I don’t want to die, full stop. I will die, full stop. That’s the conundrum, no way of getting out of that one.

      Real Death awareness puts things into perspective.

      1. “But YOU – are not a thought. A sense (SENSE) of selfhood and the existence of your self (I am) is not an idea. It is visceral and real – to you.”

        This is how my life have been unfolding some years now:
        There is no center to my being, I’m feeling like I’m the big screen where the life is happening, there is something observing the different shapes, and sounds, thoughts coming to being and then dissolving to nothingness again, there is no solid confines between my body and the world around it, to me my inner and outer reality is the same, everything is an observation after observation. Still, my so called self is working “normally” with its everyday life like it should, everything is unfolding like a well polished play, no one thinks I’m schizophrenic, maybe because I’m not.
        Even these thoughts manifest from nothingness like anything else. No one making choices, every “choice” is happening itself. “Do I write a reply about death or my ongoing experience?” silent observer observes what happens…. “Maybe I write my experiences because…blah, blah, blah” brain is trying to make a coherent story out of it.
        Everything is happening automatic, there is no doer; just mysterious observing happening.
        There is no doubt for me that this is how it is. I think I’m not “you” as in you have your own unfolding that you witness so in that way we differ but the witness in its essence is the same; mysterious observer that cannot be known by thoughts.

          1. Haha, that snarky response goes perfectly along with your persona.
            Yes, I have my body/mind-human experience that it all flows through so not entirely cloudish existence.

            What I mean by doer is that it implies something or someone that makes decisions but there is none, not really. I can’t know my next thought or an action even thought the brain sometimes gets creative post-rationalizations out of the actions that are happening or have already been performed. Free will is a fairytale.
            It is useful fairytale and just believing that there is no free will is probably more harmful than believing in it. Seeing it to be an illusion is a different matter altogether.
            “Mysterious observer” is just what I call the “inner eye” and that is what I am.

          2. Not snarky. I chose not to battle your notions, perhaps, because you love them THAT much.

            Is this called ‘wise up’ on my part? At this point I’ve seen too many people hugging this tree or that tree; it is impossible to pry them off, and nor should I try. No point, and they love their particular type of tree, so.. let it be.

    2. “Those who are on the ‘path’ (to nowhere) can’t turn around and say “fuck this shit”, it’s gonna take them X years to fully see behind the curtain and for them this post is an useless detour between the personal hell and the absolute”

      That may be so, but perhaps, a revelation of “Fuck this shit, it has been nothing!” will reach them sooner if they remember that someone out there once has spelt it out:

      THIS SHIT IS NOTHING.
      THERE IS NOTHING TO LOOK FOR.
      YOU HAVE BEEN LIED TO.

  4. Could you explain the “human adulthood” part more? I read it in one of Mc Kenna´s books and you mentioned it in some posts, but could you give some more details about it and how to get there? I don´t really get it what it really means.
    Isn´t the acceptance of own mortality a thing a human adult should realize and keep in mind? Greetings.

      1. Hi Tano, thank you for the replies to my other comments.

        I’d also really appreciate a post about mortality and how that relates to being an adult.

        If that is something that can be dealt with, or kept in mind or whatever, aside from all the spirituality/enlightenment shit, then I think I might have a chance of turning my back on all this.

        Because fuck, I can see that this doesn’t lead anywhere. And you are saying the same thing. How much more do I need.. I hope I can shut that little bastard up enough to just get on with my life.

        1. “I’d also really appreciate a post about mortality and how that relates to being an adult.”

          Mortality does not relate to being an adult. One can be an adult and blissfully unaware of own mortality in the real sense.

          But you cannot experience true death awareness without it irrevocably changing you.

          Most great minds, among them philosophers, novelists, some serious musicians, artists – had a brush and gave mortality a serious thought. We know about it because they expressed it in different ways.

  5. Lol, you sound like Satan tempting Jesus, and you don’t even offer him the world, you offer him a bubble!

    The world would have been incomplete without you. The only hopped over sentient being that says it is worse than before.

    I don’t understand this “void of understanding.” It sounds like nihilism, but you don’t speak about understanding, you speak about how you live, how you react to life.

    I saw a video on youtube, neuroscience and enlightenment. Basically it said that the right side of I don’t remember what formation in the brain is active with anxiety, silence, quietude, and the right side with happiness, positivism, etc. Through meditation [or in your case, your kind of search] the left side gets increased energy, and, if the energy level increases enough, it bridges with the right happy side and activate it by pouring energy into it, and they concluded that’s why the enlightened ones say “it’s ok, it doesn’t matter, all is well.”

    Ah, I miss my solitude crisis.
    “ you will walk alone until the day you die” – I was alone even since before having spiritual endeavors. It wasn’t always recognized but from time to time it became apparent.
    What am I defending here? No need to defend anything.

  6. “The only hopped over sentient being that says it is worse than before.”

    It is not worse. It is different. It is simply that normal life was wiped out, and with it much is gone. For instance, there are no emotional agonies of any origin or length; there are no disappointments as expectations do not exist; there is significantly less toxicity from others as toxic situations are not created by self. These are the positives.

    I am not the only one who reckons the life will be lost.

    I cannot say what is worse or better. I suppose if one experienced that very young it means much of this human life will not be experienced.

    Look at Ramana’s example for instance. He never lived. He existed, and that’s what people seem not to understand.

    “I don’t understand this “void of understanding.”

    I meant that this understanding creates the void, and that’s what one faces after. ‘The void created by understanding’ perhaps is a better way of saying this. One floats in the void where very few things are of value, if any.

    ” saw a video on youtube, neuroscience and enlightenment. Basically it said that the right side of I don’t remember what formation in the brain is active with anxiety, silence, quietude, and the right side with happiness, positivism, etc.”

    The left/right division is an urban myth.

    https://www.britannica.com/story/are-there-really-right-brained-and-left-brained-people

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-theory-cognitive-modes/201401/left-brain-right-brain-wrong

    1. ‘The void created by understanding’
      You still like some things and dislike others, you still have aspirations. Maybe the voided things were meant to be voided and the life based on those was meant to disintegrate.
      Once I wondered “if all is meaningless what would stop me from killing myself or someone else,” and my answer was “why would I, why would I exert myself this way if it really is meaningless?”

      The left/right brain articles are about how people misunderstand typologies based on that. They don’t deny that certain activities have correspondence with certain parts of the brain.

      1. “you still have aspirations.”

        Nope. Zero aspirations. I have preferences, sure.

        I prefer to have a roof over my head rather than have no shelter.

        I prefer to eat rather than go hungry.

        I prefer to have no illnesses rather than getting sick.
        etc. etc.

        I don’t think you grasp the meaning behind the expression ‘the Void’, from your comment.

  7. “Don’t Look For Truth” like this?

    …On another occasion a monk asked Wu-ming, “The Third Patriarch said, “The Great Way is without difficulty, just cease having preferences.” How can you then delight in eating cucumbers, yet refuse to even take one bit of a carrot?”

    Wu-ming said, “I love cucumbers; I hate carrots!”

    The monk lurched back as though struck by a thunderbolt. Then laughing and sobbing and dancing about he exclaimed, “Liking cucumbers and hating carrots is without difficulty, just cease preferring the Great Way!”

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