I have no religious or spiritual background whatsoever. Looking back – this was a blessing, less stuff to dismantle. While people sometimes spend years and decades in the existential search, I never looked for anything prior to TR, and existential questions didn’t bother me much.
At the age of eight I experienced a profound, Ramana style Death realisation, the very first elevated state of Consciousness, an opening into what this life is all about. But at eight the human brain does not yet have the capacity to see the consequences of own vision. While it changed my internal landscape forever, it didn’t provide me with Clarity.
I never took an interest in anything ‘spiritual’, relying instead on own common sense. In my thirties there was once an unimaginable experience of what I would call ‘Elevated Bliss’ and what others often call ‘God Consciousness’. I didn’t get attached to the experience and carried on with life, although occasionally asking myself what it had been. Instinctively I treated that experience as everything else: a transient occurance.
Later on Death visited again, descended into every cell in my body without warning, its cold grip paralised me with fear and clear conscious realisation of what’s to come one day. A few years later I made what Jed McKenna called ‘The First Step’, except I had no name for it. My first step manifested amidst dire personal circumstances in the form of a question.
‘What is this life about? I want to know the answer’.
The loss of psychological self was a gradual process over the two years preceding TR. The details are not important, but in that process I stopped being affected by anything that anyone says or does. No reactivity of any kind, dispassionately observing another’s motions without being touched by any. As I later wrote to Jed ‘The shit stopped sticking’.
At the same time the process of deconstruction from the world conditioning was rapidly taking place, it was torturous, painful as hell. Everything I believed I was – I wasn’t. Everything I thought about the world – wasn’t. Mind you.. I had lived life pretty much on my own terms, but felt somehow not normal in the world which completely lacked common sense. I have since met a few people whom I now call ‘unconsciously enlightened’, those who live from the INNER SENSE. In retrospect, I was that too before it ‘got’ me. Now it’s clear to me that we all are ‘enlightened’ or, to be more precise – none are or can be, and so in its conventional sense enlightenment is as much a fairytale as any story out there, but the lens of the human mind prevents most from recognising it.
By that point I just lay myself down, both physically and metaphorically, and said ‘I don’t care. Show me, or kill me. Anything is better than this’. I surrendered to whatever will be and days later incidentally came across the passage below from the first Jed’s book.
I immediately recognised its genuine provenance, that state of clawing madness to see, to know..
“Here’s a simple test. If it’s soothing or comforting, if it makes you feel warm and fuzzy; if it’s about getting into pleasant emotional or mental states; if it’s about peace, love, tranquility, silence or bliss; if it’s about a brighter future or a better tomorrow; if it makes you feel good about yourself or boosts your self-esteem, tells you you’re okay, tells you everything’s just fine the way it is; if it offers to improve, benefit or elevate you, or if it suggests that someone else is better or above you; if it’s about belief or faith or worship; if it raises or alters consciousness; if it combats stress or deepens relaxation, or if it’s therapeutic or healing, or if it promises happiness or relief from unhappiness, if it’s about any of these or similar things, then it’s not about waking up. Then it’s about living in the dreamstate, not smashing out of it.
On the other hand, if it feels like you’re being skinned alive, if it feels like a prolonged evisceration, if you feel your identity unraveling, if it twists you up physically and drains your health and derails your life, if you feel love dying inside you, if it seems like death would be better, then it’s probably the process of awakening. That, or a helluva case of gas.”
I was exactly in that space.
So I torrented the first book and started reading. By that point the Ego (ideas, thoughts, emotions or whatever else we call ‘us’) was in a crumbled state, but I still couldn’t see Reality clearly. All I had was the dots in my mind of this and that, not connected, no fluidity, no clear picture, a garbled jigsaw.
THE BIG BANG
The Big Bang took place on October 25th 2013, exactly two years to the week. I don’t remember much about it now, because my mind was on fire, a completely destroyed sense of everything I knew, a cleared demolition ground. But where was the Clarity? What was that empty space?
The details were not important, the book resonated to an unimaginable degree. I recognised the path, because I did exactly the things Jed did: quit my job two years prior, locked myself in, with only my son and an occasional friend dropping by. Read, but it was more of a blind reading, anything ‘spiritual’, except I threw away one book after another – not it, not it, not it… going by the gut instinct. I remember I could open any book in a local shop at a random page and within one paragraph recognise if there was anything valuable and true in it. I didn’t know anything about ‘neti neti’, but somehow allowed myself to follow own drumbeat.
Anyway… the book. It was late evening, I’d read near half of it. I remember thinking ‘Tired, will continue later’, put it down and then two things happened. My mind made what felt like 180º turn and what I call for lack of a better word – opened up. Also, perceptually it felt like one of those visual moments in movies when a person stands still, but everything around them suddenly spins out of focus and rapidly moves away.
I got physically still and… suddenly I could SEE with my inner eye. Again, this is a metaphor, I didn’t grow a third eye or any unsightly appendage. All the questions disappeared, but strangely, I could see every answer. All the dots got connected. I could see past that present moment into the entire human history, from the life of a bacteria and the life of a galaxy to a life of a human.
“I could zoom in on the smallest detail and fly out into space, I was the Worm God – everything and nothing at the same time”.
After a few minutes of being paralised by the vision I began to laugh and cry.. must have been quite a sight. Got a particular song out and played it on the loop, laughed and cried again. Everything looked new. Not in a ‘new’ new sense, but different, as if seen for the first time.
It all sounds big and mystical, but it wasn’t. Very quiet, no levitation or seeing through objects or any other such nonsense. It changed nothing – and it changed absolutely everything. For the next few days I was in a state of haze: awe, gratitude, relief, wonder, amazement.. I also wrote loads, pages and pages of stuff, new understandings pouring out of me. The 2013 entries on this website are a small part of what came out, unedited and raw.
Was ‘I’ still present? Yes, I was there, but I was not ‘me’ as I knew, a different being. I kept dropping into a perceptive state of great expansiveness every few days, it was not the same bliss as I had known before, but I know now there are many kinds of bliss.
The thing is… I didn’t know what kind of being I had become. I want to say that it is a myth that dissolution of Ego means Ego absence. No human being has ever lost their ego. It cannot be ‘killed’, without one you are nothing but a jellyfish. BUT. Ego can be SEEN. I saw mine, it was there, but – NOT ME!!! I had become a being without an attachment to ‘me’.
Around one month into all this I wrote to Jed for the first time. Shifts kept coming, some days small inner movements where I could see just that little bit more, and some days massive waves, a new realisation of this and that, deeper and deeper. It carried on and never stopped since, although the intensity subsided.
What followed for the next couple of years was – The Flow. I didn’t bother naming things for the sake of giving a name… didn’t plan much, but did the things which needed to be done, what was placed in front of me at the time it was placed. I packed my life back in the UK and moved to Asia, because I felt suffocated back there.
I don’t emote, but have feelings, like clouds, passing in succession. Some stay a bit longer, some a few minutes, none stick. There are very few attachments, and I feel no anger or resentment towards anyone.
I can see through people’s games very easily, their true feelings and intent. I have psychological tools at my disposal to destroy a person’s sense of ‘selfhood’ very fast, and it will hurt them (although no one can get hurt, people tell themselves they do), but only do so if their Ego is shoved right in my face, and it could benefit them in some way.
I’ve learned to read. Properly read what others write, what they MEAN. And if it is still not clear I will simply ask questions without petty human games with words.
I saw that our true nature cannot be changed, it is unchangable and eternal in that sense. What one has been given from birth is what one will take away to the grave. It is futility to fight against the Blueprint. It sounds simple, but to get this on a gut level – is not easy, and most people never do.
I am still human, ordinary and sometimes a tad unnerving for people, but only for those who don’t know who they are. I’m just not crazy anymore in the way most people are, and I see Life for what it is, not for whatever story, wish, desire, thought, fairytale – is carried within the mind.
NO MORE TRUE THAN
In the years that followed I saw that the Vision was absolutely final, but the details kept revealing themselves until one day I saw clearly that even this story is no more true than any perceptive mind states. Those, as anything in life, keep changing, ever speeding up and slowing down, falling into Infinity that we are. But what I am, was born as – is cast in stone, and nothing has the power to change that.
Seeing Reality without a lens is multifaceted, ever present and very ordinary. In the end of the day all comes down to this: ALL BEGINS and ENDS – with YOU.
You are the Alpha and the Omega.